Monday, August 1, 2011

I Am Not a Saint

Nor am I a robot. I get angry, jealous and tired. I get mad at God and at S. I want life to go back to normal. I want a day off. I want a vacation free from worry and pain (his and mine) and stress. I want a partner that can keep up with me and help with the kids and mow the lawn. If you are offended by this, please stop reading.

That does not mean that I am going to leave this relationship. It also does not mean that I am not going to do what needs to be done. It does mean that sometimes I cry and scream and swear. I'm human. I have my own issues. Sometimes I'm extremely selfish.

I hate the TV shows, magazine articles and books that portray the spouse or parent of a disabled individual as a saint. That's just not normal. What is normal (at least in my experience) is a human individual who gets mad at the disability. Who cries when they realize that it is never going to get better. Who gets frustrated and pissed off because their life is changed forever even though they are not the disabled person.

Am I proud of my bad behavior? No, of course not. I feel terrible when S walks into the bedroom and I'm crying because I'm tired or just plain frustrated. I feel terrible when I get mad at the person that asks "How is S?" but never asks "How are you?" I would probably say "Fine" anyway, but that's not the point. The point is this damn disability affects me, too.

The reason I bring this up, other than to get the record straight, is because we just returned from our first full vacation since S's first surgery. It was not pretty. I am rather disappointed and tired. We learned a lot about what S can and cannot do but the "relaxing" part of the vacation never happened. At least not for me.

I will tell you about it tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to sleep. There is no rest for me and that is just a fact of life.

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