Shortcuts to Make Life Easier

As Steve and I begin to feel our way through this new life, we have come to realize there are some changes that are necessary for us. I have already discussed our role changes, but we need more than that.

We have always kind of lived by the seat of our pants. We went to work, ate dinner and then did what we felt like. There was really no structure or rhythm to our days. We both had our personal schedules but, more often than not, they did not sync with the other person's. So, whoever was more adamant about his or her schedule won.

With Steve not driving and not being able to do a lot of the "heavy lifting" around the house, a more structured day is necessary. At first, we attempted to just switch schedules. I gave Steve my chore schedule and told him when laundry needed to be done. For my part, I tried to fit my work day in his 9-5 schedule. That bombed almost immediately, and we went back to relatively unstructured days. Everything suffered.

Yesterday, Steve planned a two hour trip without really consulting me. Oh, he told me about it, but it was more a "I may plan this trip" kind of conversation and it was never brought up again. Imagine my surprise when, on the way home from church, he said. "So, if we leave at 3, we should be home at a reasonable time." My day was completely shot.

One good thing came out of the trip -- we had two hours of uninterrupted (well, as uninterrupted as you can get with two kids in the car) time to talk. And, we were both in the mood to talk, not argue. As we talked, I brought up some of the time management skills I have learned by reading sites like Life As Mom and Money Saving Mom.

I mentioned the idea of running our household like a business. This is something I try to do anyway, with my budget and household "notebook", but I've never included Steve in the "business". He laughed initially, but then he thought about it and we decided to try it out.

We decided that we would sit down on Sunday nights or Monday mornings, at the latest and have a meeting. We would discuss what appointments we had personal goals for the coming week. That way we could determine how to get the time to fit everything in. We also quickly decided that there would be no more "unplanned" adventures. Little things could get added here or there through the week, but large trips, purchases and time sucks would have to wait until the following week.

We also decided to implement a morning and night routine. We already had one in place, somewhat, when it came to getting the kids ready for school in the morning and bed at night, but it was still slightly chaotic.  In the evening, all of the dishes are done, the kids get baths and all morning necessities including clothing, lunches and any money needed are assembled. In the mornings, Steve and I wake up in time to have a cup of coffee without the kids and then the kids are dressed and taken to school.

We put most of it into practice today, and things went well. I got a little upset because I couldn't find some stuff this morning, but that's another aspect of "Operation Household". Tonight, the house is neat, everyone is calm and things are ready for the morning. Steve is even sound asleep. Something that doesn't usually happen to the wee hours of the morning.

I'll let you know how we hold up. How do you manage your time? Any special tips?

Role Change and Acceptance

Five years ago, S and I had a conversation which defined our roles in our relationship. I was pregnant with our first child together (we each had children from previous relationships) and we were deciding whether or not I would return to work.

At that time, we decided that one of us would remain home with our child for as long as we could afford it. I had a very difficult pregnancy and severe postpartum depression, so I was the one who stayed home. Over the years, our roles solidified. I handled the housework, shopping and primary care of our children. He handled the "making money" portion of our relationship. It was a perfectly acceptable and comfortable arrangement for both of us. We were actually a little proud of our "conventional" roles.

When money got tight due to S being on short term disability after each of his surgeries, I began finding writing jobs which I could do at home. It was enough to bring in the extra cash we needed to make ends meet, but it still allowed me to retain my role as "Mom."

In the last month or so, we have had to re-look at how we handle things. Right now, the chances of S returning to work full-time are slim. I have had to restructure how I work in order to become the primary "breadwinner". This has been a huge blow to S's ego. He prided himself on providing for his family and the concept of not working is so very foreign to him.

It has also changed how I perceive myself and my work. Before, writing was more of a hobby. Something I did in my free time to bring in a little extra cash. I really didn't worry about getting new clients or establishing professional relationships. I was happy with what I had. Now I have to extend myself professionally, and it is taking some time to get used to.

Other role changes have taken place, also. S can no longer do major yard work, such as mow the lawn, shovel snow or weed gardens. I have had to take over those tasks. This is one area where acceptance has come easily for me. Mostly because every week I have at least two hours to myself as I tool around on the riding mower.

In exchange for my additional work hours and the fact that I am responsible for the outdoor tasks, S has taken over the day to day care of the children, the cooking and much of the light cleaning. This is another area where I struggle. The house and kids have been my "domain" for so long that giving up control is hard. I have learned to clamp my teeth hard on my tongue when the dishes sit overnight or the kids get more video game time than I would allow. It is not hurting anything, but my "Mom OCD" starts rearing its ugly head. It also bothers me that he gets more time with the kids than I do. But, I still work from home, so I get more time with my kids than most parents.

Once S and I both grudgingly accepted the change, the transition became much smoother. We are not totally happy with the way things are. It's going to take more than a month to break years of habit and expectation. But, we remember to laugh a lot and we talk to each other. We have always been each other's best friends and we have always communicated well. We make a concerted effort to make this transition as easy as it can be. We may not like it, but we can accept it and, right now, that's good enough.

Why I Hate the Word "Caregiver"

Caregiver: (n) a person who cares for someone who is sick or disabed.  (Dictionary.com)

Photo Credit: Ronny Jaques. National Film Board of Canada. Photothèque. Library and Archives Canada

Yes, I fit in this category.  But, I purposely do not use this word to define my relationship with S.  I use a lot of words to define my role, but not this one.  I feel it adds a sense of superiority and resentment to my side of the relationship.  One spouse feeling superior to another in a relationship spells the doom of the relationship.  Unless you've just won a really good argument. But, that sense of superiority will go away at the next argument. Anyway, S and I are equals.  Neither one of us are superior (no matter what he tells you!).

The resentment is discussed in any caregiver website you look at or book you pick up. The article listing at Caregiver.com includes articles such as:

• A Silent Crisis: Working Caregivers Are Begging For Help
• Caregiver Burnout
• Depression in the Caregiver
• Caring For The Caregiver
• Give Yourself a Break
• Managing Caregiver Guilt
• Respite Care Spells Relief for Stressed  Out Caregivers
• When and How To Say "No" to Caregiving

In other words, how do you deal with or avoid the resentment that comes with "caring" for another individual.

I've worked in the social services field for a long time before having my kids and maybe that is what colors my perception.  No matter what job I had, I was told at the onset not to expect it to be a life long career.  "You will get burned out," they told me.

Well, I plan on being with S for at least another 30 to 40 years.  I can't afford to get burned out.  So, instead of defining us as caregiver and caregetter, I simply say our roles have changed and I focus on what he can do, rather than what he cannot do.

Does resentment still rear its ugly head?  Hell, yeah, I'm not perfect.  Since his first surgery, I have taken on more and more responsibilities.  Things that he used to do without thinking -- mow the lawn, move furniture, clean out the dryer vent -- are now up to me.  Plus, the inevitable ups and downs are incredibly frustrating.  One day he has no problem caring for our 1 year old child.  The next day he can barely stand to get a shower.  Even though I understand this is the nature of both his diseases, I get tired and angry and resentful.

But, then I remember that I got angry and resentful even before he was disabled.  And, he got angry and resentful with me.  Doesn't every spouse have feelings like that once in awhile?  These feelings are temporary and will go away. 

I also remember that I'm not really angry with him.  I'm more or less angry with the disease.  S would rather help mow the lawn and play with the kids, than lay on the couch in constant pain.  It's really hard to remain angry at something that can't fight back, so I let it go. 

This is why you will rarely see me use the word "caregiver" on this site, unless I'm discussing someone else's ideas.  I am my children's caregiver, not my partner's.