Fear of Success

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The other side of the fear of failure is the fear of success. I battle this fear, too. I often find myself taking jobs that do not pay me what I'm worth and then I stagnate in these jobs.

I am often to afraid to go after the jobs that I know I can do and that would pay me well. My thought process goes something like this:

"Just call them up. What's the worst that can happen?"
"Well, what if I'm not good enough?"
"You know you're good enough, stop it."
"Well, what if the job takes too much time?"
"So, what? You work for a living, it's supposed to take time."
"Well, I just don't think I'm ready. I'll take this other job that pays a lot less, for now."

This whole conversation is held within my own head. And I walk away.  I tell myself I will give myself another month, six months, year to get ready. But that time comes and goes and I'm still taking jobs beneath my abilities. And I get frustrated with my lack of advancement.

I'm not afraid of being rejected. Writers get rejected all of the time. I am afraid of what success means. Would it take more time from my family? Can I manage the additional stress? Am I worth it?

The funny thing is, I know that none of my fears are founded. Just because a project pays more money doesn't mean it will take more time. It will just expand my horizons. The lower paying projects usually end up taking more time than the higher paying projects simply because I have to do more lower paying projects to make the same amount of money.

This week I have made a goal to apply for at least one higher paying project. If I don't get it, oh well. I'm no worse off. But, being afraid to even try will hurt me more than being rejected.

Are you afraid of success? How do you overcome it?

Fear of Failure

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I'm not sure if I should call it "Fear of Failure" or "Fear of Success." Either way, I tend to experience overwhelming fear and anxiety when I branch out from my norm. I want a safety net below me and a full set of safety pads on.

Lately, I have been very frustrated with the direction (or lack thereof) my life is going in. I'm too old to wait around anymore. If I'm going to live the life I want, I have to make some changes. The changes that revolve around Steve are not going to cut it. I have to change the way I look at my life.

I realized that, especially in my career, fear is ruling me. I make bad choices because I don't have confidence in myself. I tend to wait for someone to tell me what to do. Even though I am well aware, that when you are your own boss, the only person telling you what to do is you.

The past week really drove that point home. I had a client that was a huge drain on my resources and was actually costing me money. But, because I somehow (in my own head) made it my fault that the relationship was doomed from the start, I continued to do the work and lose money. I just simply didn't want to fail.

The whole mess kept me from enjoying my family, working with my other clients and was taking a toll on my health. When I finally ended the relationship, the relief was incredible. The fact of the matter is, there was nothing wrong with me or the client. We were simply not a good fit. I know that happens, and it is ok.

It is perfectly ok to walk away from situations that cause you stress whether it is a business relationship or personal relationship. It is not a failure, it is a way to grow. Hanging on to a bad situation takes time away from the good relationships and opportunities.

My fear of failing was truly holding me back. In my head, ending a business relationship was somehow failing. It was only after I reminded myself that every time I started a new job, I had to end the old one, and that the reason people leave jobs is often because the fit is just wrong, that I could do what needed to be done.

Another, problem I have is accepting my true worth. That would be the "fear of success" factor which I will discuss tomorrow.

Do you have a fear of failure? How do you overcome it?

Let it Go (Why My Kitchen is a Mess Right Now)

I've mentioned that Steve and I had a major change in roles before. This change is one of the hardest things for me to accept. For five years, I have had a method of keeping up with the housework that worked reasonably well. When I got up in the morning, I would neatly stack the dishes that were left on the counter over night (before we had a dishwasher) or put them in the dishwasher. If it was laundry day, I would dump a load of laundry in the washer. This was all done while my coffee was brewing.

I absolutely hate a messy kitchen. Actually, I hate any mess at all, but I've gotten over that as our family has grown. (Three boys are quite messy.) But, the kitchen is the worst. It's the first thing people see as they walk through our door. To me, it sets the tone of the house.

Since we've changed things around, Steve has complained each and every time I cleaned up the kitchen in the morning. This is now his job and he feels that by cleaning up, I am minimizing his worth in the house. I've never thought of it that way, I just wanted a clean kitchen.

This morning, our kitchen is particularly messy. I would take a picture, but I'm way too embarrassed. We spent much of yesterday lounging about and it shows. My first reaction was to start cleaning as soon as the boys were safely off to school. I had to force myself to walk away and accept that it would be done.

No one is coming to our house today. It is just Steve and I all day until we pick up the boys from daycare. If he wants to rest before cleaning up, I have to let him do so. Instead of cleaning, I came into my office/bedroom and shut the door. It is the complete reverse of shutting the door to our oldest boys bedroom because I don't want to see his mess! I'm shutting out the rest of the house.

I have to trust that it will get done when Steve feels up to it. And, I have to remember that my way is not always the only way. I'm considering creating a sign that says just that and placing it on the wall above my computer screen. Maybe that will help make it easier.

Decision Fatigue -- They Put a Name On It

This article from the New York Times finally put a name to what has become of my life. Decision fatigue is the biological effect that occurs when you spend your time making decision after decision. At some point, you finally have had enough and you either start making reckless decisions or not making any decisions at all.

I do both, but I seem to lean more toward making no decisions at all. In essence, I hide. I've been noticing the same behavior in Steve, too. We have spend so many years making big decisions -- should he have the surgery, should we move to be closer to family, should I continue my writing or should I start looking for another job -- that we are burned out.

The problem is, we haven't just stopped making big decisions, we've stopped making any decision at all. I spend a lot of time staring at my list of writing projects without starting any of them. I just can't decide what to write or how to start

When we do make decisions, we find ourselves considering the most reckless options.  For example, my poor laptop is dying a slow agonizing death. I find myself spending a lot of time talking myself out of buying another one when we simply don't have the money for it right now. And, Steve supports this, he just wants to see me happy without placing any thought into it.

This is causing us to remain stagnant in our lives. We have become slugs with no purpose. Why, because we can't decide on a purpose and we don't want to think about it. We would rather stumble around StumbleUpon (me) or lay on the sofa and watch terrible movies (Steve).

I'm not sure how to get out of the rut we are in. But, I now know what is going on and can address it. Maybe by starting very small. Today I'm going to work down my list of articles. Just start at the top and work my way down. No decisions, just work through the list.

Routine

For the past three years, I have been spouting off that "I can't have a routine. It just doesn't work for us." What I really meant is I have to have a strict routine or no routine at all. And since I live with other people, a strict routine just doesn't work.

There are days when all Hell is going to break loose. There are days when it will take Steve forty-five minutes to get dressed and asking him to help get the kids out the door seems like cruel and unusual punishment. There are days when the kids are going to cooperate and be helpful and then there are days when they are not. As a writer, there are days that I can write 10 articles in a few hours and then there are days when I can't complete a single paragraph.

So, because my days didn't fit in a nice little OCD box, I gave up on routine. Allegedly preferring to "wing it." Well, winging it creates endless days with no motivation, no purpose and really awfully behaved children (and adults).

When Steve and I were talking about how to make our lives more purposeful and happy, one of the common themes was "We need some routines and traditions."

The week before last, I had sat down and planned my work days out so I knew what to do when.  During our discussions, Steve and I looked at my work day and scheduled the chores and other things around my day.  I made a list of the chores that needed to be done. It was eye-opening to realize that Steve had no idea when I cleaned the house. We also planned in time to play with the kids and downtime for each of us.

This week was the test run and things seem to be going well. We are still in the process of tweaking everything but everyone seems much happier. The kids have a clear idea of what is going to happen during the day. I get a reasonable amount of time to work and Steve gets time to rest when he needs it most.  I can't believe how much a simple routine makes the day go better.

Focus on the Positives

Last week was one of those weeks where everything just pissed me off. Steve had another medication reaction that made him sleepy and pretty much worthless. The kids were home from daycare because we didn't have the money to send them. Steve was paid his normal short term disability pay, but then a third of it was removed from our account without our knowledge.

Did I mention the kids were home from daycare? Yeah, that meant I couldn't work until after they went to bed.

Needless to say, I was a tired, cranky, unhappy person and quite the joy to be around. Most of the time I was either screaming, crying or just plain not talking.  I'm pretty sure my family preferred the not talking.

My mood set off Steve's already foul mood -- he hates to be worthless and sleep all the time.  The kids were cranky because Mommy and Daddy were fighting. It was horrible around here.

I tell you all of this because it made us realize something. Something we should have realized a long time ago. We can wallow in our misery. Hate God because he won't heal Steve's back. Hate everyone because they have it better than us. Or, we can focus on the good in life.

We may not have a lot of money right now, but we have enough to eat and a roof over our head. Steve may not be able to wrestle with the kids, but he can read to them and play games with them. I have the ability to do the work that I love, even if its at 2 am. Our kids are healthy, happy and interested in life.

No, our life is not going the way we expected it to. But, it's going the way it is supposed to. Steve and I have always said "Things happen exactly when they are supposed to." We just seem to have forgotten that. Now we are focusing on remembering.

We are also focusing on creating routines for our lives. We need them and they allow us to go through our day with purpose. Everyone needs purpose and direction. More on that topic tomorrow. For now, have a wonderful, purposeful day.

The Kids' Reactions

The other day my 11 year old son came up to me and said "Mom, I'm mad at Steve's doctors." I asked him why he felt this way, and his response was "I don't know why they won't just fix his back and be done with it. Why does he have to wait and wait and wait?" It was then that I realized we had never explained to him that Steve was not going to get better and that the doctors had done all they could do.

He was so upset. When Steve and I got together, my son was 6 years old. Steve and he had a lot of fun goofing around in swimming pools, wrestling, and just "being boys." Over the years, the horse play has slowed down to nothing. It never occurred to me that it was missed.

Steve and I talk so much about his pain levels, doctors appointments, surgeries and medications that when we are hanging out with the kids, we try to avoid the subject. I realized that was wrong. That the older one, at least, should have some explanation for what has happened and why it is never going to go back to the way it was.

Our younger two really don't know any different. They have never had a Dad that wrestled with them. They are so used to Daddy lying on the couch, that they are slightly confused when he does play with them or take them to the park.

After that conversation with the 11 year old, I also realized that we have to be more careful about what we talk about in front of the younger two. And how we act around them. We often forget that they understand more than we think they do.

For example, when our four year old wants attention, he starts walking with a limp and complaining that his back hurts. That's also how he attempts to get out of doing chores or anything he doesn't like. He's just simply used to Daddy getting to lie down when his back hurts.

Steve and I had a long discussion about this over the weekend. We are trying to make it a more positive environment around here. (More about that tomorrow). We don't want the kids to grow up with a "sick" Daddy. We want them to just grow up with a "Daddy".  It will be a work in progress, but with some positive thinking and some intentional living, I think we can change it around.

Why I Resist Counseling (and Why I'm Going)

Ever since Steve's third surgery, it was suggested that I go to counseling. I do recommend counseling for anyone in a similar situation. Heck, I recommend counseling for anyone who lives with a bipolar individual. There is a lot going on there that you should really get expert advice on.

Anyway, no matter how often it has been suggested to me, I smile and say "thanks" and then walk away. It's not that I don't think I need it, I'm just pretty sure I'm not going to agree with/like what I hear.

I know, I know, you don't go to counseling to like what you hear. But, I've been through counseling, I usually don't agree with what they say. And, I have yet to find a counselor that truly understands the reality of the situation.

Here's what I don't agree with--

You have to take a break -- Umm, yeah, so, no. I'm a freelance writer with a very active one year old child (and two very active older boys) and a partner who can't drive or do much heavy duty housework. I also have a very large yard that takes at least 3 hours a week to maintain. I am on the move from sun up to sun down. Taking a break puts me exponentially behind.  No, thank you.

Have family come in to help -- Our family has busy lives of their own and already help out whenever they can. Steve's mom lives with us. So, this is one is already working as well as it can.

Hire help -- Are you going to pay them?

You can't do it all -- Well, if I can't, who is going to?

There are a thousand and one more reasons that I avoid it, but those are the big ones.

Recently, I've been given the chance to attend counseling again and I'm going to take. For exactly the last reason that I listed above. I'm failing at doing it all. I'm constantly yelling and snipping at my family. I'm forever tired and I have no goals or priorities.

This time, I sincerely hope that I can get more out of it than past experiences. If someone could just help me find my priorities and set realistic goals, I will be happy. I need the help and I understand that. I am going to try to go into this with an open mind and hopeful heart.

Are you resisting counseling? If you are or have gone, how has it helped you? What have you taken away from it?

Role Change and Acceptance

Five years ago, S and I had a conversation which defined our roles in our relationship. I was pregnant with our first child together (we each had children from previous relationships) and we were deciding whether or not I would return to work.

At that time, we decided that one of us would remain home with our child for as long as we could afford it. I had a very difficult pregnancy and severe postpartum depression, so I was the one who stayed home. Over the years, our roles solidified. I handled the housework, shopping and primary care of our children. He handled the "making money" portion of our relationship. It was a perfectly acceptable and comfortable arrangement for both of us. We were actually a little proud of our "conventional" roles.

When money got tight due to S being on short term disability after each of his surgeries, I began finding writing jobs which I could do at home. It was enough to bring in the extra cash we needed to make ends meet, but it still allowed me to retain my role as "Mom."

In the last month or so, we have had to re-look at how we handle things. Right now, the chances of S returning to work full-time are slim. I have had to restructure how I work in order to become the primary "breadwinner". This has been a huge blow to S's ego. He prided himself on providing for his family and the concept of not working is so very foreign to him.

It has also changed how I perceive myself and my work. Before, writing was more of a hobby. Something I did in my free time to bring in a little extra cash. I really didn't worry about getting new clients or establishing professional relationships. I was happy with what I had. Now I have to extend myself professionally, and it is taking some time to get used to.

Other role changes have taken place, also. S can no longer do major yard work, such as mow the lawn, shovel snow or weed gardens. I have had to take over those tasks. This is one area where acceptance has come easily for me. Mostly because every week I have at least two hours to myself as I tool around on the riding mower.

In exchange for my additional work hours and the fact that I am responsible for the outdoor tasks, S has taken over the day to day care of the children, the cooking and much of the light cleaning. This is another area where I struggle. The house and kids have been my "domain" for so long that giving up control is hard. I have learned to clamp my teeth hard on my tongue when the dishes sit overnight or the kids get more video game time than I would allow. It is not hurting anything, but my "Mom OCD" starts rearing its ugly head. It also bothers me that he gets more time with the kids than I do. But, I still work from home, so I get more time with my kids than most parents.

Once S and I both grudgingly accepted the change, the transition became much smoother. We are not totally happy with the way things are. It's going to take more than a month to break years of habit and expectation. But, we remember to laugh a lot and we talk to each other. We have always been each other's best friends and we have always communicated well. We make a concerted effort to make this transition as easy as it can be. We may not like it, but we can accept it and, right now, that's good enough.

Trip Planning

Our family is in desperate need of a vacation. S has been on short term disability as he learns to cope with the fact that he can no longer drive and will be in constant pain for the foreseeable future.  The pain and the pain medications both affect his ability to work.  While working with his therapist, he has also been fighting to remain on short term disability and get paid regularly. It has been hell. He has been spending more time fighting to get paid than he has been working on adapting to the situation.

His STD claim has been approved and we can finally plan our trip. This is where my own version of hell comes in. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am the only driver in our family. I despise driving, but someone has to do it. To get to where we want to go, I will be driving for eight hours. My mother in law has kindly offered to give us the money for a hotel room at the half way point, so the trip will be broken into two portions. One problem solved.

The next problem isn't so easy. S has trouble sitting for more than an hour at a time. Even with frequent rest stops, this trip is going to be tough on him. We are hoping that his new doctor will increase his pain medication for the trip down and back. Otherwise, I don't know that we can make it.

We are also planning on camping. This is one of our true pleasures as a family and not one that we are willing to give up. I am spending an incredible amount of time finding ways to make it easier for S. I've already taught our 11 year old son to help me put up and take down the tent. I have found some chairs that S can stand to sit in. I am going to buy a double thick air mattress and possibly a folding lounge chair so that he can put his feet up. 

I truly believe that getting away from our house will do him (and the rest of us) a world of good.  With good planning, this trip should be a success. Yes, we should probably find a place closer to home, but we are going to one of his favorite vacation spots.  I have no problem doing extra work to make this trip memorable and relaxing for him.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know.